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These are marriages that “make- do” after the scar tissue has healed.But frankly, that isn’t the way it’s done in mypolyamorous community, or my open marriage. For me, sex with someone else is not a deal breaker. But having some openness is one of many ingredients that keep the erotic life active in our marriage.In my mind, the challenge of sustaining the vitality in long-term relationships lies in fostering the opposite qualities of passion versus stability, and wildness versus predictability.My interest lies in maintaining both ends of the spectrum, and openness in my marriage is one of the many tools I use to achieve this goal.

Perhaps cheating comes to mind; you imagine that after infidelity, a couple has made a new vision of their marriage.

Being intentionally cruel, not taking care of our family, disrespecting me, and lying — all constitute deal breakers. Keeping an erotic charge can be challenging, given that almost every force in domestic life works against it.

But occasionally “stepping out” may just be part of our biology. There are bills to be paid, kids demanding attention, and the endless, sexless grind of chores.

Bill was so sex-positive and supportive about Bonnie exploring her newly confessed attraction to women.

Bonnie had unintentionally “come out” at a BBQ the year before when she made out with her best friend — ironically, in a walk-in closet upstairs.

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